Murder she said

Horror-Movie Survival Tips!

A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.

1. Don’t have sex.

* Seriously
* Abstinence is key.

2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.

* I don’t care how good he says his weed is
* he is cuckoo bananas
* and he wants you dead.

3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.

* There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance
* “Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th”

4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY. THERE.

* If the killer can’t see you or hear you WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?
* Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the easiest to break.

5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.

* Someone will always be barefoot
* Or in heels
* Or just plain clumsy
* And will sprain their ankles
* And die.

6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.

* Don’t walk around looking for people
* House of Wax, anyone?

7. Don’t be a hero.

* Unless you’re name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die.
* Hell, maybe even then.
* I mean.

8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.

* The killer is there.
* Also your dog is dead.

9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.

* The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway.

10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.

* Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck

11. Don’t go into the basement.

* They are creepy enough without you dying in one.

12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct questions about either the history of the home or the previous tenants, DO NOT MOVE IN.

* At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked.

13. Turn off the television (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.

* It is obviously your wisest choice.
* SEE ALSO: poltergeist, daughter trapped in tv because of.

14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism.

* Move very very far away
* Because there’s blood on your walls.
* Blood.
* Your
* Walls
* Are
* Bleeding.

15. Don’t act like a detective.

* Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet.
* If you live, awesome story to tell your friend, right?
* But if you die, it is like the opposite of awesome.

16. Google the location you’ll be vacationing at.

* If more than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there.
* Issue. Solved.

17. Don’t get drunk. Or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.

* Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling.

18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.

* It is the killer.
* ALSO: laughing while saying, “Tommy, is that you in that stupid mask? Oh, I’m so-o-o-o-o scared!” is not conducive to your surviving.
* Killer’s are very sensitive about their disguises.

19. Don’t take a shower.

* ONLY APPLIES IF:
* It’s past midnight at the campground you and your sorority sisters are staying at or
* The lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music

AND THE LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT:

20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.

G-E-N-I-A-L